Family Picture

Family Picture

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Tears at our Dinner Table



This occurred a few weeks ago and I debate about things I should post and things I should keep private.  Ultimately, if I can't get it off my mind, I take that as a cue to talk about it.
Raising special needs children is so rewarding. They are compassionate.  They are the troopers. They are the strong ones. They are the brave ones.  But every now and then, after a string of what we call "incidents"  that being unkind people, comments or difficult situations...... our troopers..... can just feel defeated, sad and frustrated.
As our steady and discerning Will commented: "it builds up, you just let it out, then pick up and move on. It is just a part of it. She will be ok."

Incident with Amy:
Recently we were at our local chick-fil-a for lunch.  Amy of course wants to play on the playground and more often than not, children will inevitably ask her what happened to her hand.  I know children are curious about differences in people, I get that, believe me as we have walked this road before.  Like for 21 years. Different circumstances but similar in that we are dealing with an obvious physical special need. With that, comes the stares, comments and questions. It is what is is.
I have always role played and talked about ways to handle this with my kids.  I try to let them handle it.  But I do have my limits.
Because she is missing fingers, children often assume an accident must have happened to Amy's hand.
Amy knows what to say.  She tells people that nothing happened to her hand but that she was born this way.  She will often say "I was born this way in China".  Sometimes that is all she has to say.  Other times there are children who will not let that be and continue to barrage her with more questions.  She is strong, this girl of mine.  I heard her way up in the top of the playground, tell her explanation to several children, one right after another.  Several took the information and went about the business of playing and letting her play.
But there came a point where some children would not let her be.  She came down in tears saying that she kept telling them she was born this way and they kept asking what happened to her hand,  and wouldn't let her pass.
Blow the whistle.
Enter momma bear into the scene at this point.  Lucky for the kiddos I happened to have a skirt on that day or I might would have weaseled my way to the tip top of that cramped indoor playground and clanked some heads together then sent them down the slide.
Confrontation is not my nature.  I hate it.  I hide from it.  I really do try to advocate/inform one person or child at a time.  Quietly, teaching, explaining the special needs issues one on one. Modeling kindness and respect for others while protecting my children from burdensome questions.
Its a balance. Sometimes we say very little and just wish others would mind their own business, curious or not. Just let us be.
On this day as Anna sat by my side, I wiped Amy's tears, stood up and took Amy by the hand and said:
"Alright, everyone on this playground listen up for a minute."  It actually got quiet.
"This is my daughter Amy.  Some of you keep asking her questions.  She has told you, and now I am telling you,  she was born with this special hand and she can do great things with both of her hands.
No more questions please.  Feelings get hurt when you say too much!  Everyone play nicely and enjoy your day, Amy wants to enjoy hers." Funny how quiet it remained in there for a few minutes.
Amy looked up at me with her almond shaped eyes as wide as they can be, nodded her head yes to me with great satisfaction and went back up there to play.
Anna whispered to me that she was glad I did that.
Amy ready to try again, knowing she had her mom and sister in her corner. Brave girl.
Problem solved for......um.....that day.

But unfortunately, without going into detail,  we have had a string of incidents with Amy lately.
She even commented under her breath in frustration recently that she was going to start hiding her hand so people won't look and say things.

It has built up for her.  And the tears finally came.  At our dinner table.  Right after dinner was served.  Took us by surprise.  Amy is really a joyful child with just enough spunk, so when she is sorrowful, it will hurt your heart to witness.  Really. And this girl of ours knows sorrow like a child should not. And I'm not talking just about her hand here. So when her tears came, she blurted out that she just wanted a better hand.  She wants to be like everyone else.  She wants to be able to eat what we eat but her tummy does not like so many things we eat, so she eats noodles while we all eat something else. She wants to do so many things that her hand won't let her do. She wants people to stop looking at and asking questions about her hand. Then she asked us for a new hand.

So I push my plate away and call her over.  She climbs in my lap and faces me, her tears rolling down each cheek and when her eyes met mine......she saw my tears streaming down my cheeks.  I wiped hers away and then she wiped mine away, but they just kept coming for the both of us.  So there we were crying at dinner. I validated her feelings. I hugged her tight. We all tried to encourage her.
I told her that if we could get her a new hand we would, but that it is not possible. I reassured her that she will be able to do many great things in her life. God has good plans for her.
 She asked, "Momma why are you crying?"  I told her that when someone hurts her....they have hurt all of us. When she hurts, we hurt with her. And when she is happy, we are happy with her. That we are her family, we are here for her  and we will help her in any way we can.  And that we love her. We will forever and always, love her.
Then slowly,  her smile came back. We wiped our tears, blew our noses,  then we ate our dinner, albeit, a little on the cold side, but that is ok.
And after dinner, I went for a walk and prayed to the one who knows best how to handle all this. That His will be done and that He heal the hurts and guide our steps and that He give us words to say.  And thanked him for standing up for us,  for fighting our fights for us,  and for calling us His own. We are by no means alone in this journey, no we are not. Not even on those days it might feel a little bit like we are.  I heard this song while I was taking my walk.


"I won't Let Go"
Rascal Flatts
It's like a storm
That cuts a path
It breaks your will
It feels like that

You think you're lost
But you're not lost on your own
you're not alone

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
If you can't cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it's dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And we're too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
And you can't cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight

And I won't let you fall
Don't be afraid to fall
I'm right here to catch you
I won't let you down
It won't get you down
you're gonna make it
Yeah I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
And you can't cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go
Oh I'm gonna hold you
And I won't let go
Won't let you go
No I won't

No comments:

YOU MIGHT LIKE THIS: